


The Painful Truth

by BabyBear_VIP



Category: Big Bang (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 21:30:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyBear_VIP/pseuds/BabyBear_VIP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All he wanted was to be a rapper... what he got was far more than he bargained for...</p>
<p> Will his secret crush make him or break him at this the major start point of his career...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I didn't want this... I tried so hard to be "normal" for the band but... it had become such a hardship that it was beginning to take it's toll on my members. But I was the oldest. I was supposed to be the strong one...

 

I couldn't help the feelings I had for Jiyong... right from the start he was my style... my type from his attitude right down to those beautiful eyes and his amazing sense of fashion. I fell in love with him... and now he uses that fact to make himself feel good not caring about how I might feel... that I might suffer...

And I do suffer... everyday I suffer... 

I wanted to be a rapper, it had been my only escape from my feelings; writing songs and listening to hip hop. Finding people who accepted me because of it was an added bonus. But it couldn't get me where I wanted to be... The gigs I was doing around that time were too small for what I wanted for myself... I wanted the arenas and not just underground hip hop clubs... If I wanted to be a famous rapper I would have to join the music industry on a more popular level. YG Entertainment had the kind of image & style I was going for, with them I had the potential to be great... 

But I was told no... because of the way I looked... 

I was overweight, I always knew that but... I guess I fooled myself into thinking that maybe I could get by on my talent with this company...

I worked hard to lose the weight... It wasn't easy. I barely ate and spent most all hours of the day working out... Just so I could go back to YG Entertainment and show them that I could do it. That I had the drive to succeed at anything. To prove to myself that I could do it... 

And I did do it... and I finally had the chance to be a rapper...

But in a group?

I wasn't so good with people... I was having a difficult time dealing with spending so much time with these 5 other boys... I didn't want them to hate me... I didn't want them to be afraid of me like other people had been... 

I also didn't want them to know that I was secretly gay.

I had tried to like girls. My best friend was a girl. I loved her... in a way... but it wasn't an attraction kind of love... I didn't think her ugly or repulsive but... the best of her sex... I thought if anyone could change my feelings it would have been her and... she did in a way.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't know that I'd say I really fell in love with her, but our relationship meant an awful lot to me. I felt as though I could speak to her about anything, which for me was rare. I prefered my own company... maybe a result of my weight? My paranoia about myself...?  
When we broke up I really was devastated. She had stood by me despite my self harm and my interest in men. She knew I was an emotional wreck at that point but she stood by me

But there was a part of me that didn't care at all...

Part of me knew that the person I was in love with was Jiyong... No would ever make me feel the way he did.

He was younger than me, yet he seemed so much more together so much more mature. Not to mention that his experience spanning years of being in the industry already was extremely intimidating...  
At first he was so harsh with us all, I think Hyunseung and I had had the hardest time... the difference was while I was dealing with the pressure of trying to learn a dance routine and remember it in a day executing it with exacted precision I was also trying to hide who I truly was. I was trying to hide the scars, the lack of eating routine. Acting in the presence of everyone else...  
Trying not to stare at the sweat beading across Jiyong's chest... trying to still my heart everytime he touched me or yelled at me cause I was getting the routine wrong...   
I was trying not to want him, but I wanted him so bad... so when the oppurtunity arose I ended things with my bestfriend-slash-girlfriend. What I didn't reckon on was the effect that would have on me... I didn't expect her to let me go so easily... did I ever mean anything to her, even as a friend? Or was I so tiring that it was easy to say goodbye?  
That was a bad week of cutting... I felt so helpless and seclluded without her. It made me want to chase her to the end of the world. I wanted her back in my life... without her I had what felt like no friends despite my living with 5 other boys.

I had hidden myself by my own reckoning so well that no one could have guessed at my preference for my own gender. Despite the fact that I had imagined licking the sweat from Kwon Jiyong's wiry frame; from that frail looking chest and that lean stomach... 

But somethings don't remain hidden forever, and some I found out were more sensitive to the feelings of others than I had first given credit...

Daesung was young, he smiled a lot and was the best singer in the group. His dancing skills weren't bad either but obviously I wasn't any judge from that perspective. He was having a hard time keeping up with training and school work and trying to make it home by his parent's curfew and yet he never complained. Not once. He gave a 110% to everything we did and was managing to keep up with the rest of us despite everything else.   
I had thought he had the same feelings as me as far as the desire to share personal feelings with everyone but I guess I had been wrong...

"Hyung...?" He had spoken softly after training had ended one day.

"Yeah?" I answered simply...

"Why do you spend so much time by yourself?"

A question I hadn't expected someone to ask quite so directly. I didn't know what to say. My discomfort was clear on my face. I often wished

"Hyung do you not feel like part of the group? Have we done something wrong?"

"Oh not at all. Don't think like that Daesung alright, you'll make hyung feel bad."

Why did I suddenly feel like this person could be trusted... was it the fact that I could sense pain in him too? But if he does he always hides it behind a smile... aaah that's why...

"Well, I really hope that soon you'll feel closer to us and more at ease... we're like family now. We're a team. If one of us is hurt~"

"Sorry if I've been a bit distant I just... I'm not very good with people. I guess i'm really insecure huh?"

Why the hell did I just say that?!


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually I had found myself confiding in the wisest younger member of the group. He was trustworthy and non-judgmental and if I had to I would admit that I even felt a little better about the whole situation.  
"I think you could trust them with this you know? I mean the thing about you liking guys... It's been a few months now, can't you feel that we're all here for each other now? I mean even Jiyong hyung is being less harsh and scary..."  
"I don't know if I'm ready for that..." I spoke suddenly feeling my heart give a jolt and my breathing start to accelerate...  
The mere thought alone of telling the other trainees about the fact that I like boys played on my anxiety. Daesung may have taken it well enough but people aren't all the same and what if Boss hears about it?  
"Hyung it's okay..." Daesung comforted sensing my fear and rubbing my arm. "You don't have to tell anyone if you really don't want. I just wanted you to know that I think they would take it okay. It's hard seeing you struggle to hide this from everyone..."  
What was this kid? So reassuring like some kind of fond uncle?  
What was I? Putting all of this crazy stuff on his shoulders when he had enough to deal with?!  
I felt even more ashamed of myself than I had before and was suddenly more aware of the itching hidden in my sleeve. I was disgusting and a failure and the itching became more prominent in my mind...  
"Hyung let's just go and eat breakfast huh? Don't think about it for now."  
"Thank you for being understanding... you're a really good dongsaeng..."   
But even as the words left my mouth I felt even worse... he was a good dongsaeng... a good kid and here I was a complete failure dragging him down...

I tried to ignore the impulse to say "I'll be there in a minute" and just not turn up at all, but honestly part of me wanted to see Jiyong in all his sexy morning glory...   
"Ah, hyung you're awake finally." Seungri smiled patting his shoulders and setting him in a seat. Typical carefree maknae...  
"Get some breakfast quick we have work to do today. We can't rest just because it's Saturday." Jiyong spoke before taking in a mouthful of rice.   
"Oh, yeah..." I replied picking up my chopsticks and tried my best to smile as I picked at the food in my bowl.  
We sat quietly for the most part with Seungri obviously chiming in every now and then trying to be cute...  
At one point he slapped my thigh though... I shifted uncomfortably...  
"Waaa, relax hyung what's wrong with you!" He sighed standing up and rubbing my shoulders... it felt nice, this is why I resented being close with people. Next he'd think it was okay to just wander into my room without knocking and catch me with a razor blade to my arms... I shrugged him off and stood up determindly.  
"I'm gonna go take a shower."  
"But hyung you hardly ate anything sit down~" Hyunseung frowned.  
"I'm not hungry but thanks." I tried my best to smile...  
"Well hurry up you lot and finish your breakfast yeah?" Jiyong spoke finally watching me with the strangest expression on his face... Was he suspecting something?


	4. Chapter 4

It had been weeks now of Jiyong watching me like a hawk. I wouldn't have minded had it had anything to do with feelings of attraction but I got the distinct impression that he was becoming suspectful of me...  
Daesung and I had had little opportunity to talk and being under constant surveillance was making me itchier than ever but I was becoming afraid to cut and my anxiety was starting to play up...  
Part of Jiyong's surveillance had meant that he would just jump up onto my back wrapping his arms around my neck and resting his head on my shoulder... His warm breath on my neck... his legs hitched around my waist... his hips grinding against my back...

I stroked myself faster feeling the water trickling down my chest, imagining the faces Jiyong would make when pleasured... visualizing his groans... "hyung..." he would sigh... I continued to pump myself tightening my grip a little... I imagined his moans as I nibbled his hardened nipples...  
My breath hitched as I released finally with a tortured moan propping myself up with one arm against the tiled wall...

Now I felt stupid... As if I would ever see those things... he would never know how I felt. If he did know how I felt he would be sickened... I felt the shame eating away at me as I rinsed off my hand and climbed out of the shower wrapping my towel around my waist. The scars on my arms seemed to grow in size the more I thought about them almost as if they had actual weight to them... my heart pounded in my chest and I began to feel not just shame but a sort of frenzied panic as I brushed my teeth at the sink...

I couldn't take it anymore... I threw down my toothbrush in the sink spitting out the excess and reached up on top of the medicine cabinet, feeling around for my razor blade... and sitting on the edge of the bath in a flash of hideous panic I just... slashed... 

This had been a desperate act and I wasn't sure how long I could deal with this Jiyong business...


	5. Chapter 5

Becoming closer to Daesung had given me the confidence to be a little more at ease around my members... I had still spent time shut up alone and I had still been hiding but at least now I was able to smile and sometimes we even laughed...  
I guess I couldn't help feeling more at ease with them I had been living with them now for a few months... 

There had been a few close calls over that time...   
They were always asking questions like why do you wear so many layers of baggy clothes all the time; even to sleep in...? Why do you look so scary sometimes like something is upsetting you... I wished my emotions weren't so obvious on my face all the time but I was lucky that they didn't push too hard for answers...  
One evening I had binged and gone to throw up and was caught by Hyunseung who immediately flapped, Daesung covered for me and said I wasn't feeling well which I guess wasn't actually a lie just... not the whole story...  
Lately though it had felt as if it was all about to blow up...  
I could feel it in the tension at training... I could see it in the ever growing impatient frown on Jiyong's face...

"Seunghyun can I talk to you... alone." He spoke with an overly curious look

I knew it... but how do I get out of it this time??

"Sure," I half mumbled trying to mask my discomfort but I could feel that it was to no avail... "what's up?" I asked trying not to seem shifty as I followed him reluctantly to the far end of the room...

As he lifted his bottle of water to his lips tipping his head back and exposing his slender neck I tried really hard not to stare as he swallowed down the contents... But my eyes felt glued to him and I could feel my heartbeat beginning to quicken...

The sweat beads glistening on his neck... The trickle of water sliding from those plump little lips and down the side of his mouth...

"Hyung..." Jiyong started suddenly breaking my trance as he screwed the lid back onto the bottle and tossed it down onto the pile of abandoned sweaters. "..are you doing alright these days? I know you've been having a difficult time... well we all have really..." He spoke softer than I had ever heard him speak...

Suddenly I felt guilty... I had been so wrapped up in my own problems of trying to avoid him that I hadn't bothered to wonder how he was doing, only took the time to letch over his taught body... oh god don't start thinking about that...

"It's taking some getting used to and training is hard but I'm okay really..." I spoke avoiding direct eye contact as I fumbled the lid on my own bottle...

Jiyong nodded in understanding and my insides suddenly sighed with relief that his curiosity seemed sated for the moment...

..but just as I relaxed he reached out noticing that I was still wearing my sweater despite the sweat on my forehead... his hand resting comfortingly against my upper arm... I tried to cover up my shock at his sudden closeness as he looked up into my eyes reassuringly...

It was all I could do not to lean in for a kiss...

"Hyung... I've known you long enough to know that you're uncomfortable about your body but you don't have feel that way around us... we're your members..." He finished his eyes searching mine...

I was really hoping that he wouldn't be able to read my expression...

"Ah... I've made you feel awkward. Sorry, just do whatever makes you most comfortable." He smiled genuinely his eyes pinching at the corners... he looked so adorable... 

If only you knew what you do to me Kwon Jiyong I thought as I rubbed the back of my neck trying really hard not to blush as he turned away clapping everyone back into formation...


	6. Chapter 6

It had been a bad week... An awful week. I had broken down and called my ex-girlfriend on her birthday... She had sounded fine... My calling her had left her seemingly unaffected... she had obviously moved on already...

I felt like the lowest form of life on the planet.  
Training wasn't going well either...

Boss YG had had no qualms about telling me how useless my dancing was and that the only two things I felt I was any good at were only barely passable as talent. My beat boxing was the best in the group and my rap skills were passable but when it came to being in the group... he said he had doubts about my debut...

I had been cutting everyday for the past week and a half; the back of my thighs were cut to ribbons at this point and just the rubbing of my pants against the cuts was enough to make me want to gasp every time I stood or sat... 

I liked that though in a way... It reminded me of how far I had to go to become something... 

I had lost more weight too... 

It had been partly due to the fact I had been trying so hard to keep up with the others and learn all of the dance routines...

"Hyung... you look pale are you sure you're alright?" YoungBae asked frowning one day after practice. He ducked his head attempting to look me directly in the eyes as I teetered light-headed on my feet.

"I think you should sit down~"

"No." I replied a little too snappishly through my half delirium "...no I'm fine I need to get this routine down."

I heard YoungBae sigh and turned to look at him...

"Hyung... This means everything to each one of us. We all dream of debut and we'd all do anything we could to achieve the goal..." He continued thoughtfully, he shook his head a little before looking up at me again. "But we're all in this together. I think the point is that we work as a team... as a unit and well... if one of us is pushing ourselves so hard we're about to pass out then we're not working together well enough... I guess what I'm trying to say is what affects you affects us all... so it's not considerate to go through everything alone."

I understood what he was saying... and I suddenly felt a lump forming in my throat... I rubbed my eyes as I felt the tears starting to form and my heart swelled... 

Don't cry... don't cry you're supposed to be the hyung I thought berating myself as my treacherous tears betrayed me.

"I guess we should all sit down together and talk then..." I spoke, my voice slightly deeper than usual.

YoungBae smiled encouragingly and patted my arm. "I'm glad you're finally willing to let us in even just a little..."

xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo

"I like boys..." I spoke staring at the floor... my heart plummeted even as the words fell from my mouth. Daesung was sat beside me as he had promised and was rubbing my arm but...

Everyone was silent... I felt like I was going to pass out from the anxiety. 

They probably think I'm disgusting like everyone else I've ever told... aside from her of course...

"But you had a girlfriend... How can you be gay?" Jiyong's voice finally broke the silence...

"I tried to like girls... I wanted to be what was expected of me... I cared about her but it wasn't... It wasn't right." I finished as the tears threatened to push out.   
I leaned over my head in my hands.  
"I'm sorry.." I spoke as my voice broke.

"Don't be sorry, you haven't done anything wrong. Well... you could have told us sooner... you can trust us but I understand why you were afraid..." Jiyong finished and suddenly I felt another hand rubbing my back.

"Hyung... It's okay, we're still brothers yeah?" YoungBae spoke encouragingly...

"So like... Do you think i'm fit? Do you fancy me?"Seungri's voice suddenly interrupted cheerfully. 

Same carefree maknae as always... I thought looking up finally and laughing softly...

"Maknae..." Jiyong tittered tapping him playfully on the back of the head and smirked. "Everyone knows I'm the good looking one..." He looked at me in a way that made my insides curl up in terror... He looked at me as if he were a cat and I the terrified mouse...


	7. Chapter 7

It had been a strange week... 

After finally getting my sexual preference off of my chest I had at least expected that they would treat me a little differently... that maybe they would be careful about how close they got to me or feel paranoid about changing in front of me... but that hadn't been the case...  
They were the same as they had always been...

Except little Seunghyun had pestered me about how good looking he was and whether not he was my type... 

"But we are the best looking though, I mean we're definitely the face of the group..."

"Really?" I smirked turning on the charm for a laugh... "Does that mean you fancy hyung? Huh?" I giggled and tickled him under the chin making him laugh nervously...

"Ha... ha... hyung you are funny to joke about things like that." 

I couldn't help but burst out laughing at his nervous smile...

"Maybe I'm not joking... maybe you're just my type... I think you might like that." I giggled following him as he backed away smiling...

"Yaaah will you two stop flirting and get over here?" Jiyong called out across the dance studio.

"Haha, hyung you're funny..." Seungri replied rubbing the back of his neck embarrassed.

"Awww I think Leader's jealous..." Daesung joked as he sat down next to hyunseung stretching his legs out in front of him.

I couldn't begin to explain how I felt when I saw Jiyong's expression... That dark smirk... What did it mean?!

All I knew is that my stomach felt like a tumble dryer...

I couldn't help but gulp as I stared like a rabbit caught in the headlights...

"Everything alright hyung?" He smirked darkly staring me right back... 

He knew... he knew he must know... My heart sank... is he going to use this as some kind of advantage?

"Hyung... you should sit down." Daesung spoke almost pleadingly, sensing the tension and tugging the leg of my sweatpants. 

...but I couldn't seem to drag my eyes away from his...

I had a feeling life was going to get a lot more interesting from here on out, I just wasn't sure whether or not it would be good or bad...


	8. Chapter 8

I couldn't breathe... I could hear the rain like it was whispering in my ears as it tapped against the window... I couldn't open my eyes because I couldn't bear to see the blood... I felt so ashamed... I had been doing so well!!

I berated myself internally as I crumbled into a heap on the floor.

"Hyung? Hyung are you awake?" 

SHIT JIYONG WHY AT THIS HOUR?! WHY NOW?!

I knew if I didn't respond he would check in anyway but I didn't know what to say to make him go away...

"Uh... Yeah give me a minute Jiyong..." I stuttered scrambling around the room looking for a place to stash the razor blade and for someway to hide my self injury...

"Hyung? Are you alright?.."

"Uh.. yeah, yeah I'm fine..." I spoke trying to hide my anxiety as I scrambled to the door...

I would have to wing it... taking a deep breath I opened the door a crack.

Jiyong was wearing nothing but his sweat pants... fuck...

"Hyung..." He smirked as he noticed my eyes averted away from his bare chest. "Can I not come in?" He asked eventually noting my apprehension.

I wanted him to come in... I wanted him in my bedroom... I wanted him on my bed shirtless. Pantless too for that matter... but I couldn't let him see me like this... Sexual preference is one thing... self harm is another...

"Not tonight Jiyong, okay... Sorry, I'm... I'm not feeling so well..." I explained, my voice growing weaker as I continued...

Jiyong took a step toward the door looking a little more concerned now... I couldn't help the butterflies that formed as he placed his hand gently against the door...

"You're sick? But how? I mean... I could look after you if you let me in..." He spoke uncertain suddenly...

At that moment Daesung came out of the bathroom and there I saw my chance...  
I looked over Jiyong's shoulder and pleaded silently for Daesung to rescue me from the situation.

"Something wrong?" Daesung asked trying to gather the situation..

"I'm just not feeling too well. It's nothing really~" I spoke a little too urgently.

It seemed that Jiyong could sense the sudden awkward air.

"Oh, well I'll look after him hyung, you just go to bed, you have loads to do tomorrow."

"but~" Jiyong tried to interrupt as Daesung pushed past him into the room shoving me further in.

"Really hyung it's fine you get some rest. Goodnight." He interrupted before shutting the door...

The look on Jiyong's face as he did it... Was that... pain...?


	9. Chapter 9

As Daesung shoved me inside... I suddenly felt my heart sink... 

And the internal debate began as words scuttled around my head... 

He wanted to look after me?

But you're a mess do you really want him seeing you like this?

No, but he looked so hurt when I pushed him away... 

He would pity you if he knew what you do to yourself. Is that what you want?

No.

No I don't want that...

"Hyung, here let me clean that up..." Daesung spoke soothingly in attempt to stop me from pacing like a trapped animal...

But I did feel trapped... I had tried so hard not to cut but... I just felt the restlessness. The hopelessness... The self hatred from eating dinner...

"Hyung... you need to let me look at that." He breathed as he stopped me physically now standing in my way and trapping my shoulders in his grip...

He slid his hand down my arm and led me towards the bed setting me down before rummaging in my drawer for the antiseptic...

I couldn't help but wonder what Jiyong's reaction would have been... maybe he would have understood... 

I wouldn't bet on that... 

Sometimes I really wished I could turn off the pessimistic torturous voices... 

Daesung knelt in front of me and lifted my shirt a little... his hands were cold and I shivered a slightly as his fingers brushed across my skin...

"Sorry..." He breathed as he treated the small cuts on my waistline... "I wish I knew how to help you cope better... It hurts to watch you do this to yourself."

I felt the tears start to push out as he now tended to my arm...

"I'm sorry... I never meant to be this way... I just~"

"I'm here hyung... you know that right? If things get too much and you feel like doing this again you can talk to me... I will try to help you..."

"You are helping... More than I deserve." I half whispered through my tears trying not to sob...

"Don't say that hyung... you do deserve to feel better..."

Looking down into eyes of the dongsaeng kneeling before me I couldn't begin to describe the relief that washed over me at those particular words... 

I do deserve to feel better...

I reached out my hand and rested it on the top of his head but thank you didn't seem like it was enough...

✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞ ♢ ✞

I was bleeding... 

Jiyong could only stare in horror

"Why?" the silent question in his eyes as he started toward my door...

As he approached the doorway it seemed he only got further away...

Part of me wanted to close the door but I loved him and he looked so frightened.

My heart raced as I tried to decide whether or not to leave the door open before he got there but it was as if I was shooting backward on a runaway train... and as he finally broke into a run my heart moved and my arms just shot out begging him to catch up, to come in, to reach me

"Hyung!!" He yelled after me breathlessly trying to catch the door.

"Jiyongah!!!!!!" I yelled back but as the words came out the door slammed shut in my face and he was gone.

"JIYONGAAAHH!!!" I screamed suddenly sitting bolt upright in bed, cold sweat covering my forehead. It was still dark out...

"Hyung!?" A voice came from the hallway... The door flew open suddenly and Jiyong stumbled in breathlessly...

Just like I had wanted in my dream...

"I'm fine, I just had a nightmare that's all... I'm sorry I woke you..."

"You called my name? You were dreaming about me?"

That annoying smirk in his voice again.

"Yes I dreamt you were less obnoxious it was a nice dream."

"I'm sure it was." He giggled...

He giggled?

This was getting weird. Next he'd be~

"Well... are you sure you're alright though... I know you were ill before..."

...acting compassionate again... I frowned slightly in confusion.

I couldn't figure him out! One moment he was scary the next he was giggling?

Why would he like you? I thought kicking myself inwardly

"Yeah I'm fine, really..."

"Thanks to Daesung..." He sniped.

"I guess... I'm sorry if I upset you before~"

"Oh no, not at all..." He cut in unconvincingly. "It's okay to like Daesung as long as you're both happy..." He sounded bitter as he turned to leave.

What was that? A hint of jealousy...?

Was he feeling possessive? 

No don't be stupid.

"Jiyongah wait..." I spoke trying to find the words to convince him... anything to keep him with me that little bit longer...

He turned to look over his shoulder as if waiting for me to give him some reason to stay... as if daring me to ask him... 

But I couldn't...

"It's not like that with Daesung..."

"I don't care what it's like with Daesung... I'm not worried." He smirked darkly...

I couldn't begin to register the fear...


End file.
